Nailin’ The Regressions In Your Pape’s Is

Ahh, Evans Hall…  (this is old yes, but still funny.)

Sell the Vatican?

Sara Silverman wants to end world hunger (and get those disturbing images off her 48inch plasma TV).  Her solution:  sell the Vatican and use the proceeds to feed the world.

This is good, but only second best.  The buyer who values the Vatican the most is in fact its current occupant.  So selling the Vatican would lower its value.  (It is true that the new owner knows he can sell it back to the Pope and takes this into account when deciding how much to offer.  However, this adds needless transaction costs, plus the Pope will have bargaining power in the resale which would not be internalized by the buyer.)

A better idea is to give the Vatican directly to the poor and allow then to charge the Pope rent.  Subject to this small ammendment, I wholly endorse the following (although the bit about the Holocaust may require the consent of more than just Ms Silverman and me.)

Nerdy Chicago Weather Joke

Q: How do you prove the existence of Spring in Chicago?

A: By continuity.

In February it was zero Farenheit. Today it is muggy and approaching 90.  By continuity, Spring happened somewhere in between.  But note that this existence proof is not constructive.  It is of no help in telling us exactly when it was that Spring fluttered by.  I must have been sleeping at the time.

Bad Manners on Broadway

One theory: Broadway is vulnerable to boors because it is under pressure. More new shows opened this past season than at any point in the past 25 years, which means more seats to fill in a recession. In response, shows have been offering steep discounts on tickets, which can normally cost upwards of $100 apiece. BroadwayWorld.com, an entertainment site, is promoting a “Lucky Sevens” discount that offers a “Guys and Dolls” ticket for $7.77 with the purchase of a full-price seat.

That’s the theory.  Here are the data:

The litany of misdemeanors is long. During a Saturday matinee of the Holocaust drama “Irena’s Vow,” a man walked in late and called up to actress Tovah Feldshuh to halt her monologue until he got settled. “He shouted, ‘Can you please wait a second?’ and then continued on toward his seat,” recalls Nick Ahlers, a science teacher from Newark, N.J., who was in the audience. He says the actress complied.

During a recent matinee of “God of Carnage,” which explores the lives of two couples, a woman in the mezzanine screamed, “How ’bout those Yankees!” — filling one of the play’s intense silences. At “The Norman Conquests,” an elderly man familiar with the British comedy script recited his favorite lines as the actors read them, prompting audience members to confront him at intermission. Steve Loucks, a theater blogger from Minneapolis who was sitting near the man, was stunned. “What is with people who think they’re in their own living rooms?”

Next on the Docket: The People vs. Count Chocula

In this case . . . while the challenged packaging contains the word “berries” it does so only in conjunction with the descriptive term “crunch.” This Court is not aware of, nor has Plaintiff alleged the existence of, any actual fruit referred to as a “crunchberry.” Furthermore, the “Crunchberries” depicted on the [box] are round, crunchy, brightly-colored cereal balls, and the [box] clearly states both that the Product contains “sweetened corn & oat cereal” and that the cereal is “enlarged to show texture.” Thus, a reasonable consumer would not be deceived into believing that the Product in the instant case contained a fruit that does not exist. . . . So far as this Court has been made aware, there is no such fruit growing in the wild or occurring naturally in any part of the world.

see here. (Shako shake:  BoingBoing)

Lifestyle Sponsorship

Storn White, lifestyle artist.

Being Tito

hmmm…. On the night Sandeep and I did our bit for Mark Bazer’s Interview Show at the Hideout in Chicago, Tito Beveridge, proprietor of Tito’s Handmade Vodka was one of the headline guests and he suggested a simple path to profound happiness.  Take out a piece of paper and draw a line down the middle.  On the left side, write down what you are good at.  On the right side, write down what you want out of life.

I tried that, but I am having a hard time figuring out how to get the two ends to meet.  Clearly it worked for Tito though, check it out:

Torture: A Knee-Slapper

From Michael Schwarz:

A Russian soldier comes home after years as a POW in Afghanistan. He tells his story: “I was cold, hungry, beaten, tortured and interrogated every day.”  Asked if he confessed to anything, the soldier says,  “Not a word, they would beat me and beat me but I simply told them again and again I do not know how the AK47 is designed. They got nothing out of me.”

“Very good,” his commanders were pleased.  They asked the soldier if he has any words of advice to the new recruits, and the soldier replied, “Yes.  You should pay close attention when they teach you the design of AK47.”

Palindromic Video

This video would be identical if played backwards.  That by itself is not so impressive (just make a video and play it first forwards and then backwards) but the way it was done here is clever and funny (via BoingBoing.)

On the Subject of Double-Entendres

I lost count.

Presumably the copyeditor at MSNBC is soon to be out of a job (via the Browser.)

Derivatives

In my inbox this morning:

REF/PAYMENTS CODE:06654

This is to inform you that we have verified your payment,Nigerian 419 scam practiotioners where Arested,your name has been shortlisted and approved for this payment as one of the 419 scam victims,get back to me immedately

Yours faithfully,

Dr.John Odey

- MINISTRY OF INFORMATION

Out-Punned

I admit defeat.

Barack O’Bama

St. Patrick’s Day is approaching and I claim credit for the first to make this lame pun.  I won’t be the last.